"In our hearts, Lord, in this nation
Awakening
Holy Spirit, we desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me"

These are the lyrics to a Chris Tomlin song called "Awakening." Tonight I decided to listen to the Passion Awakening CD and this was the first song that popped up. I couldn't help but resonate with these words.

It seems like God has been stirring up something within me. I don't want to be satisfied with mediocrity. Even more, I don't want to be satisfied with just being "good." I want something deeper. I want to be part of a grand plan. I don't want to just settle for comfort or ease.

I'm not sure what all the implications may be, but I know that it won't be easy. Yet, although it may be a difficult road to walk, it will be a beautiful one. And I'm excited about the journey!

lessons from David

Lately, I have been reading through some of the Old Testament. There are certain parts of the Bible that I have re-read several times--Judges, 1 & 2 Samuel usually aren't included in that list! So, I have been journeying back through some of those less-read books. I just finished 2 Samuel last night and today I can't seem to get the closing lines out of my head. You know when you finish watching a movie and the characters or quotes just seem to linger with you? That's where I'm at right now.

Let me give you a little background. Here's what went down:
God spoke through a prophet to David, telling him to build an altar to on a threshing floor that happened to be owned by another man. So, David goes to visit this man and asks to buy his land that the threshing floor is located on. Since David is the king and he is coming with such a noble purpose of building an altar to God, the man offers to give David the land for free (I mean, who doesn't offer to give the king anything he asks for...especially if he's known for being an expert warrior!) Yet, David refuses his offer. Instead, he replies, "...I will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing." So, he gives the guy some money for the land and some of his oxen and there the altar is errected and the burnt offering made. And the story ends happily ever after...or at least a plague that had been hitting up Israel was averted.

So, here I am, finishing up this book and I am left with it lingering in my head. Just like those famous quotes of "Hasta la vista, baby" or "Life is like a box of chocolates," I can't seem to get over David's starring line. At the close of the book, he rolls in with something that just keeps running over and over... "I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing."

And I'm left feeling the same as if I had just watched an epic film. I am gripped with the honesty, character and loyalty of the main character. I not only enjoyed the journey of reading the details of his life, but I want to emmulate him. I am compelled to be the person that says, "I will not offer God something that cost me absolutely nothing."

Yet, how difficult is that for me to do? I honestly don't encounter that much sacrifice on a daily basis. I live in a society of convenience and prosperity. Even my faith is filled with comfort and ease. To contrast this, I look at David's time. At the close of 2 Samuel, David and his people had just endured a plague that cost them a lot of lives. Yet, despite the state he was in, he still wanted to give an offering that came with a price. How much more difficult is it for me to do the same?

Not only does this Old Testament passage challenge me, but I look to the New Testament and the words of Christ as well. In Luke 14, He says: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple...any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."

Those are tough words to swallow. Although, I don't believe Jesus is asking us to loathe everyone we come in contact with, I believe that He is calling us to give all we are to Him. Our love for friends, family, job, things, and even life itself should pale in comparison to our love for Him. The love that we exhibit to Christ should be so great that it would seem like our love for anything else would resemble hate. And that is an offering that costs something.

Can I live up to the challenge? Honestly, no. I get used to things being easy. Yet, by God's grace and the nudging of His Holy Spirit, He is calling me to something deeper. To get there, it's going to cost me something. It may be time, it may be money, it may be pieces of myself that I want to hold on to....it could be any number of things. But one thing I know is this--I want to offer myself to God because He has offered Himself to me. He has already paid the cost for the offering by giving His life. That compels me to give my own. His sacrifice did not just cost Him something, it costs Him everything...and He compels us to do the same.

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:24

asking the right questions

So, someone got onto me for not updating my blog....sorry about that! Here is a post to appease the masses! :)

Lately, I have been challenged about "asking the right questions." Recently, I took a quick trip home to TN to visit my Dad who had back surgery last week. During my 9+hour ride in the car, I listened to a sermon series called "It's Personal" by Andy Stanley. (It was a very interesting series and I would definitely recommend it.) During one of his sermons he used the text from Matthew 18:1-4 where the disciples ask about which one of them will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

In this passage, the disciples came to Jesus with a very important question...or at least so they thought. At the time, the disciples believed Jesus was going to take over the Roman Empire and be the reigning King. He would come in with military power and establish an earthly kingdom where he would rule with authority. With this thought in mind, they were curious as to which disciple might be most favored in the future reign. They wanted to know who would sit at His right hand and serve alongside Him. (Basically, they were asking, "Who is your favorite? There has to be a Teacher's pet, right?")

As usual, Jesus responded to them with something they weren't quite expecting. He didn't call someone's name out or even scold them for asking such a question. Instead, He placed a little child in front of them and said, "whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

The disciples were trying. They didn't always have things right and sometimes they didn't even have the purest of intentions. However, they got the chance to live and walk alongside Jesus Christ. (What a privelege!) So, if those who saw Him tangibly can screw things up so royally, how much more am I capable of?!

Looking at this passage challenges me to seek to ask the right questions. Just like the disciples, I want answers that will appease me. I want to know "why this?" or "what's that?" when it comes to the Kingdom and its Ruler. Yet, I have to ask myself, are those the right questions? Is my focus in the right place? I wonder how different Jesus' response might have been if the disciples asked, "How can we best serve Your kingdom?" Or "What can we do to help establish it in this place?"

So, although, I know I will continue to ask a lot of "wrong" questions, I'm extremely grateful to serve a God that takes time to place a lesson in front of me and gives me grace to try again. And try again I will...

life update

i'm sure some of you are curious how chicago has been treating me lately...well, i will try to give you a mini-update.

first of all, i moved here under the pretense that i would be working as an Assistant Director of Counseling at a pregnancy center. i didn't realize at the time i was hired that my boss, the Director of Counseling, would soon be taking a 3 month maternity leave. so, i hit the ground running--learning my job as well as hers. then, we lost one of our employees unexpectedly. another one had a baby. so, we're running 3 pregnancy centers with a skeleton staff. and...by the way, another person is leaving soon. wow. that's a lot of change since August! (by the way, i work at a lovely place of employment--please don't think all these people are leaving b/c it's horrible!)

so, needless to say, i have learned a lot professionally...and it's only just begun. i have been forced to think outside of the box and be resourceful. i have tried to navigate a lack of resources and done my best to keep us afloat. everyone has pitched in and made it a team effort. i am so grateful to work with such gracious women of God!

i guess you could say that professionally, i've gotten a crash course in non-profit work. personally, i've had my own crashes to deal with as well! i have had to adjust to a new way of living and a new city. i have sought to build friendships and find community...while not losing the ones i already have. i have gone church-shopping and service-hopping. i have been challenged relationally, theologically, and emotionally. wow. that's a lot of change since August!

however, through all of this, i am blessed because i know i am learning...and hopefully changing for the better! change is a wonderful, painfully beautiful catalyst...a surgeon's scalpel at times, but one that helps remove some of the cancers of our lives (or at least forces us to wake up to the reality that they are there).

so, that's just a small slice of where i've been over the past 8 mos. i'm sure there's even more ahead for me to look forward to! thanks for all of you who have prayed for me or supported me through this process. i am so grateful for you.

rants continued

sorry for the sudden end to my last post. the 5:00 whistle blew before i knew it!

back to my thoughts on our "promiscuous culture".....

i lament over the pervasiveness of our cultural attitudes towards sex. hook-ups are not only commonplace, but expected. women are now supposed to be "just like men" in all aspects of life, including their sexuality. if a woman wants to attach after having sex, she is needy and undesireable. don't expect him to call. don't get emotionally involved. keep it casual and fun.

yet, didn't God design sex for bonding us together? it seems like we try so hard to fight some of our created intents. physiologically our bodies release a hormone called oxytocin every time we have sexual contact. that chemical is the same one that is released when mothers breastfeed. it serves as a bonding agent, creating a sense of trust and safety. so, although, try as we might to "detach," somehow, our bodies have an agenda of their own. (looks like God wanted it that way) so, here we are, allowing our "desires" and "impulses" to rule....yet, finding that there are other impulses (i.e. bonding) that we would rather stifle. we can't have it both ways....

just like our desire for freedom of sexual expression for everyone--it all has a price. we try to break roles and expectations, yet we still find ourselves following culture. somehow our attempt to free ourselves has caused more bondage than we expected.

rants

so, recently i read a book called "girls gone mild" by wendy shalit. yes, as you can tell it's a take on "girls gone wild," and let me tell ya, it's anything but. wendy (a jewish 30-something) seeks to point out the need for modesty and respect in a culture permeated with sexual messages. she shares examples of how our children are influenced by these messages from an early age. everything from Bratz dolls to Abercrombie and Fitch are speaking into the lives of our children, telling them that in order to be accepted you have to be "hott," "sexy," "playful," and "fun." i was enraged. sure, i knew that we live in a very sexualized culture that wrecks havoc on the minds of our children, but i didn't realize the extent to which this occurs. blame it on the fact that i live in a bubble sometimes...

that brings us to the issues of today. it looks like here in the 21st century, we are reaping what we have sown. our parents' generation, the baby boomers, brought on the "sexual revolution." they were huge proponenets of femnism, freedom of sexual expression, and fighting the rigid expectations placed upon them at that time. yet, what do we have 50 years later? STDs, broken marriages, and sexual issues out the wazu. not to mention the goal of "freedom" for women has actually created the opposite effect. once, women were expected to be beautiful homemakers and the perfect wives. they were asked to have dinner on the table and to fulfill a role of submission to their husbands and families. their life was in the home...not out in the workforce or on the battlefield. we have come a long way.

yet, now in 2010, we ask women to be the "bad girls," to be appealing to men sexually, and to use this avenue as power. a woman is expected to go to work and to be successful. she is looked down upon if she decides to "stay home" or live a modest lifestyle. is this not as much oppressive as the first time around? women are still expected to fulfill certain "standards"....the only difference is that the morality of the matter is now erased. the value we place on the new standard is in the "lack of morals," rather than on the inclusion of them. it is just as important to us to erradicate all moral expectations as it was for those living in the 50's to incorporate morality. it's just a matter of what we value most. looks like we value anti-morality. hmm...seems like we have a problem.

this is only the tip of the ice berg. i'll be back later for more thoughts....stay tuned...

lessons from the tree

since i moved to chicago i have become a parent to my first plant. (gotta start somewhere, right?) i remember having a conversation with my boss in august, explaining that i had never owned a plant before and that i wanted to try my hand at it. well, a couple of days later i walk into my office to find a little potted tree with a note attached from my boss. that was the day i owned my first plant.
i have already learned a lot from this little tree. to make a long story short, i had to take my plant home for a while during my training at work. then, a couple of months ago, i decided it was time to bring it back to my office. well, since i am a new 'plant mom,' i didn't really think about the fact that it was 5 degrees outside that morning. (and i decided it was a great day for a starbucks run before work!) so, needless to say, by the time i brought my little tree back to its home, it was droopy and very sad looking. soon, every single leaf fell off and all that was left was the trunk and a few branches. i felt like a failure. yet, for some reason i held out hope that it could come back.
and come back it did. i began to see green buds forming at the end of the branches and eventually a few green leaves formed. now, there are officially 5 sets of leaves and more are forming as we speak. i am so glad that i didn't kill off my first attempt at plant ownership---and i have learned my lesson about transporting greenery during chicago winters!
however, this little guy has not only taught me a lot about foliage, but about lessons about life as well. see, just like my plant, we as humans go through periods of "shock." we aren't prepared for the conditions and we find ourselves wilting away as a result. perhaps it is an unplanned loss, or a crisis of some sort, and before we know it, we feel as if the life is sucked out of us. yet, even when all the external signs say that this is the case--inside of us hope rests under the surface. although we can't see it at the time, new life is forming. it may not look the same as it once did, and it may take a while to break through the exterior...but it is coming.
my plant can attest to that...and so can i.
"forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
see I am doing a new thing!
now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
i am making a way in the desert
and springs in the wasteland." isaiah 43:18-19