spin cycle

Routine. Order. Consistency.

These are things I crave, yet can only taunt me with a small semblance of their presence in my life.

Transition.  Change.  Newness.

These are things that I have more than enough of right now.

I wish there was more of a balance, that things would slow down and start normalizing.  But before we know it, the holidays will be here with their own set of expectations.  A new year will start with even more change.  And my longings will only partially be fulfilled.

In the end, I know this is a good thing, this spin cycle of transition.  I'll recirculate and come out on the end a new (hopefully more mature) person.  But I can't help but dig my heels in at times.  I find myself fighting the pull to curl up and let it pass.  It's too difficult to "get out there," too challenging to fight the pull towards equilibrium.  Yet, I know that I need to push through. There are goodness and lessons to be found in the chaos.

I find myself being inspired by stories lately of those who have persevered--the immigrant who works 40 hours a week then puts themselves through college at night, the single mom juggling 3 children and a career, the youth who has surpassed countless odds to make a name for themselves.  Perhaps I'm in awe of their tenacity, the sheer resilience they exhibit. Perhaps I wonder about my own ability to dig deep and bounce back if I were in their shoes.  Even so, their lives serve as an encouragement, a picture of what happens when you keep on trying.

So, today I find myself setting my alarm early, even if I don't have an appointment to get up for.  I search the internet for jobs.  I volunteer to help out with a ministry at church.  I ask people to get together to share a meal.  And I write this blog. I remind myself of the blessings in my life and the new position God has placed me in.  This season is different...it doesn't mean that it's bad.  It just means I'll be uncomfortable (and at times irritable), but it's during these times that God's work is most richly done.  I am forced to rely on Him--not my job, not my security, not even my "orderly" environment.  He wants more of me, and He's cultivating something unseen in my life.  What will it be? I'm not sure.  In the meantime, may I trust Him and be open to what is in store (and perhaps work on being a little less irritable). :)