perfectionist? me? never...

So, this week my running lesson has been "perfectionism."  For those of you who know me, this will probably not come as a surprise.  It was bound to happen at some point in this experience.  Here's how it all started...

One day this week I decided to work on my running speed.  To give you some background here, I have NEVER been a speed runner.  These short legs don't have much to offer in that arena!  My strength in running always came from my consistency and perseverance.  I could build myself up to longer distances over a period of time by plugging away at a slow and steady pace. I typically run a 10 minute mile without fail and really have no qualms about it.  Well, this past summer, I decided to see if I could change that.  So, I started timing myself on shorter distances, challenging myself to increase my speed each time.  My overall goal was to hit an 8:30 mile.  And eventually, I made it.  It was a fun experiment.

Well, over the course of this lenton experience, I have monitored my speed from time to time as well.  There have been a few times I've ran my 2 mile stints, gauging my minutes per mile each way.  This week, I wanted to push myself and see how fast I could really go.  Well, first mile out:  9 minutes.  :(  I was a bit disappointed, so I put some more elbow grease into it (or would it be knee grease?) and squeezed out an 8:45 on the way back.  Many people would have been excited, even elated, that a month into getting back into running I was able to almost make the same time goal I had when I had been running all summer. However, with me being the perfectionist that I am, that was not the case.  Instead, all I could think about was that I was capable of running 8:30.  All I needed to do was shave off 15 seconds! 15 teeny tiny seconds kept me from where I wanted to be.  Fortunately, I didn't let myself sit in this frustration for very long.  I encouraged myself with the facts that I hadn't been running all winter and that 8:45 is a very respectable speed given my situation.  In the end, I felt ok about my time.  Yet, my initial response told me a lot about how I had perceived the situation deep down.

Those 15 seconds can really get us.  Whether it's running, or weight loss, or our career, or grad school, or even our spiritual walks, we can get hung up on those moments where we don't quite meet up to our own expectations.  Maybe we don't even realize our expectations are there...until we fail to reconcile them.  Then, that's all we can think about.  We can't get that little measurement out of our heads.  We tell ourselves: "But I'm capable of so much more..." "I can't believe I let that happen..."  "If I had only studied more, prepared more, prayed more, etc."  It's in those moments we come to the cross-roads.  Will we extend ourselves a little grace, get back up on our feet and try again?  Or will we allow the frustration and self-pity/doubt to keep us stuck? For me, I'm hitting the pavement again.  In the end, I may not do much better than 8:45, but on the other hand, who knows?  And I won't ever find out unless I keep trying...